Ring Ring Ring

Hello this is Joseph Smith with Medicare Claims Department. Is the Ronald? No, this is Frank his Son. Can I speak to Ronald? No. We are having his funeral on Sunday. Will you be able to come? Did Ronald die? Yes Sir, that’s why we are burying him on Sunday. I’m sorry. That’s okay. Can you get us some death benefits, to help pay for the funeral expenses? A, a, a, that’s not in my department. We are going to miss him, he was such a great man. If you need to get ahold of me, I’m going to keep … Continue reading Ring Ring Ring

Ring A Ling Ding

Mr. Lewis this is the GM Warranty Department. Me in my regular voice: Hello GMW Man: I see your warranty on your 2018 GMC has expired. I can offer………… Me in a distress voice: I don’t have it any longer. GMW Man: Well thank you. Me in a crying voice: Don’t hang up. Can you help me. They took my pickup away from me and sold it. GMW Man: Why did they do that, Mr. Lewis. Me in a crying voice: They said I can’t drive any more. GMW Man: Hopefully you’ll get it back: Me now in an crying … Continue reading Ring A Ling Ding

It’s All About The Phrasing

I signed a copy of my wonderful book and handed to the lady. I didn’t really know her, but after talking to her I figured she may enjoy some of the stories. And I said “It’s a good bathroom book. Perhaps enjoy a story or two while you do your business. Maybe not so much if you’re constipated. You may absorb too much information for your own good”. Thankfully I don’t remember who this nice lady was. With any luck maybe we’ll never cross paths again. A fellow needs to watch how they phase things. Sometimes I talk too much. Continue reading It’s All About The Phrasing

I was driving down the road, headed to a doctors appointment, minding my own business.

The phone rang. Being one to comply with laws and to look out for the safety of others, I carefully took note of my surroundings. I wasn’t in a school zone and traffic was fairly light, being after the big rush of everyone to getting to work and the kids to school, it seemed the coast was clear for me to take this call from a number I didn’t recognize. “Hello this is Douglas West with Medicare. Is this Ronald Lewis” (said in a oriental accent that always sounds more like Ruan’ald Wuwis). “No it’s not. I’m his son, Montel … Continue reading I was driving down the road, headed to a doctors appointment, minding my own business.

The Unsuspecting Fellow Called:

“Mr. Lewis, this is Sam Jones calling from Medicare”. (said with a middle eastern accent) He told me he is authorized to send me a heart monitor, free of charge from Medicare. “Hold on young man, I’m here at the Austin Heart Hospital, where they are getting ready to put me in a new heart, you know a heart transplant. You know what that is?” (all said in the most poorly sickly sounding voice I could muster) He said he did know. So I told him to hold while I got the nurse to come talk to him. He acted … Continue reading The Unsuspecting Fellow Called:

My Brother Is Not A Drug Lord (from 2015)

A good many years ago I rolled up at my brothers house in the middle of the morning on a weekday, unannounced. I knew he was at home, but had no idea what I was walking into. Knowing he was home along, I started to just walk on in, but the door was locked. I knocked and he came and unbolted the door and let me in. Okay, Just so you know I called him before I wrote this to see if he minded me writing about it – “I don’t give a damn. I ended up having to put … Continue reading My Brother Is Not A Drug Lord (from 2015)

Cecil Lewis and the Spare Tire Rack

Back in “68” Cec bought a new 1/2 Ford Pickup down at Truck City Ford on Ben White Blvd in Austin. There was a brand new thing that he couldn’t do without. Back in those days pickups never came with a rear bumper from the factory. They were all installed by the dealer and most of the time in this area they were supplied by D&D Bumper in Seguin, Tx. The dealership name would be imprinted in it, so when you bought a bumper you paid for the privilege of advertising where you bought your truck everywhere you went. This … Continue reading Cecil Lewis and the Spare Tire Rack

Sid & Fay

When Madeline and I married we moved into a trailer house (we called it a mobile home – but it was a trailer house, I’m pretty sure). It was in Sherwood Shores but I guess if we lived there today it is called Granite Shoals. Our place was pretty spacious, for a young couple just starting out. Our next door neighbors were Sid and Fay. They were retired and lived there and we had a small pond in the backyard. Sid and Fay lived in a very small older trailer, but it was immaculate. Everything was pretty and neat. After … Continue reading Sid & Fay

Granny Ruby Loved To Laugh

I called her Granny or Ruby Lee. Either was fine with her. She lived in north central Austin on a short street, just off of Burnet Road in the 5500 block. As an adult running around Austin in the construction business if I was close to her neighborhood I would drop in. That is if I had time to kill. There were no short visits with her. She always had a lot to say. The only thing that would stop most of the talking was when the Price is Right came on. How anyone could live in a house that … Continue reading Granny Ruby Loved To Laugh

The Garage Sale

I have always enjoyed playing a practical joke on people, but no one as much as my Granny Ruby. She was always so humorous and would easily laugh at herself. Madeline and I had temporarily left Austin and were living in Houston where we had several projects going on. We still had our home in Austin so we would sometimes return to Austin on the weekends. This one weekend when we were in, my sis-in-law Karen told me that Granny Ruby, who lived in North Austin was having a garage sale and she was going to be taking stuff over … Continue reading The Garage Sale