I was driving down the road, headed to a doctors appointment, minding my own business.

The phone rang. Being one to comply with laws and to look out for the safety of others, I carefully took note of my surroundings. I wasn’t in a school zone and traffic was fairly light, being after the big rush of everyone to getting to work and the kids to school, it seemed the coast was clear for me to take this call from a number I didn’t recognize.

“Hello this is Douglas West with Medicare. Is this Ronald Lewis” (said in a oriental accent that always sounds more like Ruan’ald Wuwis).

“No it’s not. I’m his son, Montel Willams Lewis”.

Then he said “May I speak to your father”.

“No, that’s not possible. He died yesterday”. I’m on my way up to make the funeral arrangements. I’m going to meet my sister, Wendy Williams Lewis there”

“Oh I’m sorry to hear that. I will let you go and I’m sorry for your loss”.

But no, he wasn’t getting off that easy. I said “hold on, I just need someone to talk to. You know we lost momma just a little over a year ago. It hit us all very hard. This one isn’t quite as bad. Daddy never was much of a father. He just wanted to sit around watching TV, drinking beer and fartin all the time. So at least we don’t have that to deal with any longer”.

I could tell from the noises coming from the phone that he was trying to cut and run, but I kept talking.

“Who else would name there kids after whatever talk show host they were watching when we were conceived”. I went through a litany of names, Jerry Springer Lewis, Sally Jesse Lewis, Jenny Jones Lewis. Then I asked the young man to please take this old corpse off the list and don’t be calling any more.

He finally cut in to offer his condolences. (Those people are much more versed on the English language than I ever imagined).

He said he’d be sure to get my dads name off the list. We’ll see how well that works.

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