It’s beyond annoying, the number of calls I’ve gotten recently. I had a call blocker on my phone that weeded out all unknown numbers. But for the past few days I turned that feature off. I’ve been trying to schedule appointments with my spine surgeon, MRI, and pain management doctors and didn’t want to miss any calls.

I think on average my phone rings 2 dozen times a day and on the other end will be someone lacking a complete ability to speak English. My name is evidently very difficult for these people to pronounce. Once I hear them I immediately know it’s “one of those calls”.

I try to humor myself with these people who are almost always from Medicare. Lately they want to send me an envelope with a cotton swab that I can collect a sample with. Once I send them the sample they will be able to tell me if anything can possibly be wrong with me, even years before I come with it. I get them to go into a lot more detail than they normal do, I suspect, because I ask questions. Lots of questions.

Another bunch calls and want to send me a back brace, or a neck brace or a knee brace. With it sounding like they have just about every kind of a brace known to man, I will start asking about various other braces. Some of them you may have to use your imagination to know how that would even possible to use.

After a while they decide they are talking to an absolute lunatic and hang up.

A couple of days ago I had just gotten back in the motor home from a stop that I’d made. I hadn’t fastened my seat belt yet. The following confusing sound was blaring the whole time, which makes for a better conversation.

This call was a new experience. I knew as soon as I answered the phone that it was another outfit wanting to send me something medical. It’s always silence at first, then you are hearing the background of a boiler-room operation over in a Middle Eastern Country before someone starts speaking. “Is this Meester Ronn..dald Wewis?” When I say “or something like that”, then they are almost always confused. So they repeat “Is this Meester Ronn..dald Wewis?” So I say “yes this is Ronn…dald Wewis”

Then I say “what you giving away this time” I am just letting the background beeping keep going. It makes the experience so much more chaotic. I’m all about chaos when those calls come in.

She wants to send me a device that “helps my heart”. I think a device to help my heart? Perfect, just what I need.

I start hollering, “Nurse, Nurse come quick, I think I’ve having a heart attack.” The beeping, which eerily sounds like a monitor sounds when you are laying in a hospital bed trying to get rest. “Ma’am send me something to help my heart. I need it now, please”.

“Ma’ma call this hospital and tell them I need help now”.

The woman stutters a little before she hung up on me. Perhaps she didn’t want to be any part of a heart attack victim.

I realize that doing stuff like that could be considered juvenile, but at least I amuse myself for a few minutes.